A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.