Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
<—- homeless romantic
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
nice challenge
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse