@Mish3l_Ali: A Tweet is like a dress; the shorter the hotter.
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@ninjadinosaur1: Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn't agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
@daemonic3: [Home Depot] "Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails" Clerk: Oh, with a little head? "Nah, just verbally"
@NewDadNotes: God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water. Snake: OMG, really? God: pretty cool right! Snake: you didn’t have to do all this! God: it was nothing Snake: so how fast can I run? God: Snake: I bet I can run really fast! God: Snake: so fast on my legs!
@weinerdog4life: Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.