WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
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After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.