Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.