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@MCaparco: "A Vegan...like Mr. Spock?"
"No mom...that's a Vulcan."
@Crunch11b: Every time someone says, "at least it's a dry heat," I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it's a short knife.
@TheWoodenslurpy: My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me.
"It's not you," he said, looking around. "It's them."
@Sean_Burgundy_: Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership?
Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn't agree with
@hipstermermaid: Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
@KeetPotato: if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off