Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
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Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*