A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
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ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
this is the greatest thing ever
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life