I can’t deal with men any longer
You Might Also Like
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Noah
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
This squirrel eats better than I do
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”