A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
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Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I cannot stop laughing at this
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.