A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
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Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The pen is writier than the sword.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?