@longwall26: A werewolf is chasing you. You're on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
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@SCbchbum: Friend: I want a baby. Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
@OneFunnyMummy: Mo' money mo' problems might be true, but I'd still like to find out for myself.
@sirmunchie: Me: I'll write u a haiku! Her: I'm just impressed u know how to spell haiku. Me: *deletes "how to spell high-koo" from browser history*