A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling