@PieChord: "A wine please"
"Sir, this is McDonalds..."
"Okay, a McWine please"
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn't do any harm if she couldn't open it.
She threw it at her sister's head.
@jake_likes_naps: *catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
@sexypitabread: 2015:hey how's it going so far?
15:you've got an armed mili-
16:we've got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
@simoncholland: When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
@MichaelTrying: As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”