“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
my mom making me talk to relatives
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then