@PieChord: "A wine please"
"Sir, this is McDonalds..."
"Okay, a McWine please"
@ScottLinnen: Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You'd think one of them would ask me what the hell's wrong.
@bobvulfov: me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
@Matt_The_1st: For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it's coupons
@krissywillbretz: A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout "HOLE!" after every chorus of "Glory, Glory, Glory".
@ComedicBust: "These diet pills better work," I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.