“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED