I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
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I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back