A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”