@WilliamAder: A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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@imence2: Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn't jerk off because my arms were to short I'd kill everyone too.
@ComedicBust: Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.
@Florescience: *At funeral* "Your Mom is so fat" I said eulogy, not roast. "oh right, I'm sorry. Your mom WAS so fat..."