A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”