@WilliamAder: A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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@Cheeseboy22: Sometimes I'll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I'm doing, I'll say, "Pretend stoplight."
@XplodingUnicorn: Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men. Peter: *harpoons a guy* Jesus: Too literal, bro.
@CornOnTheGoblin: ? Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly My stomach reacted badly after eating old zucchini ? and I just pooooed ?