A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
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“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
🤣🤣🤣
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.