A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You Might Also Like
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
#math
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Interior design 👌
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.