@MrLloydSpandex: A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
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@jinkee: if you're hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
@BwanaChris: My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. "Give them to your sister," was apparently a relationship breaking answer
@XplodingUnicorn: [out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump]