And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
marvel comics have peaked
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Oh deer
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.