A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer: