A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
BETRAYAL
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
whatcha thinkin bout
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.