@youcancallmesim: "She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it" - my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

@junejuly12: Him: How was your day? Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery? Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

@CroweJam: I just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.

@DavePrimeau: The human body is 98% water. So I'm not fat, Just well hydrated.

@atstephenbell: bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don't need to read your science article