(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
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Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.