A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to