{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
…..pretty much.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Festive toon…
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.