A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Hot hot hot 🥵
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.