A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
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Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Netflix and awkward silence?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side