A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
That’s incredible! 👌
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!