A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell