@WheelTod: A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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@EndhooS: Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that? Me: No Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin* Me: Nah Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
@Brianhopecomedy: You're probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
@causticbob: I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs. So far I've got 50,000 signatures.
@bazlyons: [strip to the waist for my fight club debut] Opponent: "dude they meant the top half" *walks away* [I claim victory and retire undefeated]