[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
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smartest karate player in the world
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
felt that
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲