AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
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a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Just got to our Airbnb!
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”