Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
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[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]