99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.