About to go for a run, because shoplifting
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
#gardening
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-