I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
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The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I am having an out of money experience.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
when you are just born a rebel
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
barbara was highly relatable
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”