If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.