If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
What if all the cashiers are married?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.