Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Some people were born into their job.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.