@timdonakowski: Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
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@iamburtjarvis: [2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure] other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
@chris_isloi: So apparently "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my real dad!" isn't of much use when dealing with armed cops.
@ShanaRose21: I can never find my cars keys but I won't forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.