Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 馃檨
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I鈥檓 just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
If I was a Spice Girl, I鈥檇 be onion powder.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We鈥檙e getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world鈥檚 tiniest moth
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
If I don鈥檛 win Mega Millions tonight, I鈥檓 going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don鈥檛 go to Heaven.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”