absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”