AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
selfie game
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
accurate
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo