AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Ugh
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment