@shkeeber: Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.
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@histwaddle: Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.
@imence2: Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like "for your next divorce" or "clothes that make you feel skinny".
@jonnysun: "oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm" - what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow
@Bandersnaaatch: Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type "scorned" and having it autocorrected to "scrotum" 13 times in a row.