@shkeeber: Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.
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@Ellierocks2013: Door says push.. I pull.. If it says pull I push.. I'm ether a hardcore Rebel or I need glasses...
@TedBundybitch: Don't mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months
@gerryhallcomedy: Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.
@HumanPog: one time i went to the bathroom and i didn't know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk