*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
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Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
“You’d better run, egg!”
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich