*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
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You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.