[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
You Might Also Like
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
🖤✌🏽
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
#JohnTravolta
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.