@fart: accidentally called the guy at the oil change place "mom"
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@McKnightyBoo: Sorry I yelled: BLESS YOU and handed you a tissue after you told me you loved me Blow your nose, it will pass
@daemonic3: WAITER: Ready to order? ME: First, I'd like to hear the chef's special WAITER: Oh yes he's very special [chef in background sheds a tear]
@kornelski: Intel's responses are magic: - There's a design flaw in Intel CPUs. - Intel: no, they work as designed. - It allows stealing of passwords. - Intel: no, it doesn't corrupt data. - There are three bugs. - Intel: we've fixed both.
@OfficeofSteve: Whenever the wife asks what I'm eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth