Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
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Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Had a spot of bother earlier.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT