@fart: accidentally called the guy at the oil change place "mom"
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@HelmdawgE: Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has "will get in cars with strangers" in her bio. I'm hiding........
@BreachingBad: She : You have a girlfriend. Me : No. I had. She : Where did she go? Me : She Ransomware.
@hippieswordfish: ME: how do u get girls SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know...organ [later at the bar] ME: hey baby i got a real big colon
@joshgondelman: Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.