*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.