*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.