Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.