*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
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I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?