Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
You Might Also Like
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
This hospital has everything
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.