@JermHimselfish: Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
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@Test_of_Steron: Husband: I called my boss "Honey" today. Wife: What? Why? H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
@3sunzzz: [sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious! Waiter: Ma'am, you can't try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
@CodyJP9412: GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can't wait to see my son GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..